Tag Archives: Humor

The Mugging, a short story

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His breath smelled of fried rice and Budweiser, definitely not Bud Light, it was Budweiser. With his beer rice breath on my neck I could only look down and that’s when I knew I was fucked. The guy was wearing several pair of socks, one over another and so on, no shoes.

“Hey, you’re going to break one of my ribs”, I barely speak while trying to wiggle a little room between my side and his gun. I was thirty seconds into the mugging and quite honestly something needed to happen. He wasn’t demanding or trying to take my wallet he just had me in a headlock, gun jammed into my side, beer rice breath occasionally tickling my ear. My rib comment didn’t go over well; instead, he jammed it harder into my side. “You can have what I want.” He doesn’t budge. “I have cigarettes.” Immediately he pulls away the gun and backs off. I turn around and we stare at each other, he puts his gun into the back of his pants like Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop.

Ten minutes ago I was walking by the alley, trying to decide between Mexican and Italian for dinner. Italian is usually better, but often too filling especially if I go anything chicken parmigiana route. Mexican is tacos which rule. I was leaning toward tacos when I was grabbed and thrown into the alley, totally fucking up my dinner decision.

Now I’m in an alley that has old plastic crates littered throughout and am still hungry. He grabs a seat on a red-like colored crate and motions for me to do the same. I consider running, but there’s still the issue of the gun so I pull up an ocean blue colored crate. “Cigarette” He says so I give him one and pull one out for myself. They are Winstons’ which draws a look of disgust from beer rice breath as he stares at the pack while putting one into his mouth. I pull out a book of matches, he snatches them and lights his cigarette and throws away the match. I take the matchbook back and light another one for myself. In between drags beer rice breath keeps bending down as if he’s in pain. Each time he bends down I can see the gun stuck in the back of his pants. The next time he bends he says, “Messed Up.”

“Don’t worry about it, just let me go and I won’t say anything.” I say and he perks up, “No, shit-guy, not this”, he waves his hands, “Everything.” Why am I shit guy? He continues and says, “It was the shoes, the stinky shoes.”

I take a final drag off my cigarette, consider the risk of putting it out in his eye and instead throw it down and step on it. “What job?”

“Listen up shit-guy, you see over there –“ He points at a bowling alley across the street. “Sure, Rusty’s Bowl-O-Rama, what about it?”

“That was my job, I cleaned the shoes. I cleaned the shoes for 10 years and then they fired me. I have not worked since.” He bends down again, exposing the gun.

I move a little bit closer, pull out another cigarette and light it. “How long ago was that?” During one of his bends beer rice guy says, “Five years shit-guy.”

I take a drag, the next time beer rice breath bends forward I offer him a cigarette, when he reaches I step on his socks and go for the gun. It’s heavy, I don’t know how you can stick that in the back of your pants. Sure it looks fucking tits, but it’s just not very practical. Beer rice breath puts up no resistance and doesn’t even turn around. I think about what would happen if I shot him in the back of the head. It would probably be loud. As I contemplate the sound the gun actually falls apart, the handle falling to the ground. I throw down the other piece. Beer rice breath starts crying, mumbles something about shoes and slides forward off the crate that now appears more orange than red, maybe rust if that’s a color. Yeah, I’d go with rust. His crate was rust colored.

I decide on Chinese food, yeah, Chinese and a good cold beer.


15 Songs From The 90’s We Want To Forget

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The nineties were pop culture fireworks. The decade brought us Friends, the Internet, and O.J. Simpson. It was also an exciting time for music, introducing to us the grunge rock bands, Eminem, and The Fugees. Not everything was new, fun, and double-murder trials though. There was also a lot of popular music that was bad, like, really bad. Unfortunately these songs didn’t die out with the turn of the new millennium.

So what does it take to make this list? First, it had to be one of those songs that were overplayed so much it became a staple of the times and in certain cases, continues to receive airplay today. Second, and this is key, any song from the genre that was terrible then and somehow found a niche in our lifestyles such as weddings or sports events. These are the worst of the worst and need to be forgotten.

Honorable mention goes to Shania Twain who had many hits in the nineties, but it’s “You’re Still The One I Want” twang that continues to hang in the air today. There is nothing too horrible about the actual song, but it doesn’t go away and hours, weeks, years later, it’s still in your head. It’s the type of song that can drive you mad.

No finger pointing at any one genre, we’ve got hip hop, pop, country, and rock represented here. Everything from un-sexiness to thongs to mullets, everything is here. Man, the nineties was a good decade for mullets. Here are the songs from the nineties you really want to just forget.

Read the full post at TheRichest.com


Parenting Tips 101: Don’t Watch Law & Order SVU Then Take Your Kid To a Waterpark

Welcome to parenting tips 101. Don’t expect many of these, I don’t really have a lot of tips in this area.

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This past weekend I was busy doing God knows what and had the television on for background sound. Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was on because it’s always on. (Note: that’s fact.) Anyway, you can’t help but eavesdrop on the show. The episodes that day each involved a toddler being stolen from a public place. One second they are there the next a kid-toucher is running with them down the street toward the subway. These guys are pros and (according to the show) know where every camera is so if you lose your kid good luck! So…the next day I found myself at a big water park with lots of people. I wouldn’t let a second go with my eyes off my kid, fearing he was going to be snatched by a kid-toucher and taken to a dungeon… I consider myself lucky there was no incident; however, and this is going to be hard to believe…there was a bar in the middle of the park with three televisions and one had on Law & Order SVU – I’m not joking folks! That’s not acceptable regardless of how much you like Ice-T. Is Ice-T hyphenated? By the way, is kid-toucher hyphenated? Obviously I have fears of both… In summary: If you are a parent don’t watch this show, especially if you are going to a water park the next day. This has been parenting tips 101…

 

 


Guys I Hate: St. Patty’s Day Drunk Guy

Welcome to Guys I Hate, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Got a guy you hate? Drop me a comment – we probably hate a lot of the same guys.

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I love holidays, I really do. Halloween through New Year’s Eve – huge time for me and my family. I can even handle Valentine’s Day. I loathe St. Patrick’s Day and there is nothing worse than drunk guy or we might as well just say drunk bro. Who exactly is this guy? He’s the one who takes off work so he can start drinking at 7:00am because “you can’t be drunk by noon if you don’t start early!” If you happen to get pulled into going out after work and end up at an Irish Pub it’s always six people deep at the bar trying to get a beer. This guy is always standing next to me and is always ready to throw a punch. Why? The guy is so blasted he won’t even remember the scene. He has puke on his shirt and is wearing a green shirt that probably says IRISH even though he’s clearly of Italian descent. Fuck this guy and if you see him out this Friday feel free to throw a proactive punch on my behalf…


15 XXX Movie Mishaps

Barry Brecheisen

There are pros and cons to every job. However, when you work in the adult movie industry there are extreme pros and cons in addition to strange mishaps that occur along the way. Here is a look at the extreme, odd and (some) downright gross stories from the “other” industry.

To make it in this world, especially in the adult industry, you need to get the scene right the first time and that means keeping focus regardless of what happens. If an object breaks, doesn’t fit, or hits you in the head, you shake it off (sometimes literally) and get back to work. Budgets in this industry don’t allow for many retakes so you really need to roll with the punches. I also suspect directors use the word “trooper” when something bizarre happens that would make most of us stop or just plain quit. “Hang in their kid, be a trooper, we need you kid!” Yeah, that sounds like something a director would say on one of these sets. At least that’s how I picture it.

You think you had a bad day at the office? Read on to see what happens in the adult movie industry, I doubt you had a sound from your body on mic for all to hear and I’m guessing you didn’t get set on fire. If this did happen to you and you made it through the day, well then congratulations, you have what it takes to make it in the adult industry. Here are 15 shocking mishaps from the other industry.

Read the full article at TheRichest.com


Guys I Love: Coffee Cart Guy

Welcome to Guys I Love, it’s pretty self-explanatory, it’s the opposite of Guys I hate. Got a guy you love? Drop me a comment – we probably love a lot of the same guys.

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As much as piss and bad attitudes, NYC coffee cart guys are a staple of the city. They are parked before you hit the street, waiting with piping hot coffee and pastries. If you sleep in, no worries, the coffee is still hot, of course the pastries are not quite as fresh, but that just gives them that special cart taste. Coffee cart guy doesn’t charge much, he’s running his business based on volume and when he gets a tip, even the most minimal he is grateful. Not only does coffee cart guy always have a smile he has it despite some of the less than grateful customers he deals with on a daily basis. I’m guessing coffee cart guy keeps a loaded gun inside. Good for you coffee cart guy! Keep those bagels safe!


Happy V-Day! Love Songs That Make You Want To Vomit

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As another Valentine’s Day approaches, what a perfect time to look at those songs that make us feel the love. Actually, it’s an even better time to look at the songs about love that make us cringe and reach for the nearest bucket. Here are the worst songs about love that make you want to vomit.

Any list about what love songs stink is very subjective so let me lay down a couple of ground rules I’m following. First, Lionel Richie is the man so I’m not having any of that. Richie has always had me at “Hello.” Michael Bolton is not the man, but back in the day his hair was made for love songs, massive sensual love songs. Also, “Every Breath You Take” by The Police is a good song, don’t tell me anything different. Same goes for “I Just Called To Say I Love You” by Stevie Wonder. It was Eddie Murphy who said it best: Don’t mess with Stevie. That’s pretty much it as far as rules goes: no Ritchie or Bolton, leave them alone.

Read the full list at TheRichest.com