Category Archives: The NFL Ramblings

Week 2 NFL Fans Suicide Watch

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Most NFL rankings pay attention to the top half of the league. Here we don’t discriminate. This week a look at five teams that have no hope, very little hope, or have already killed the bottle.

SHOWER ROD SHOPPING: New England Patriot Fans

Patriot nation is a miserable place.  No region has dominated major sports the past fifteen years than New England, their football team is 2-0, and yet, they are still not happy.  The Patriot brass continues to surround Tom Brady with shit and you know what, they continue to win.  So what if it’s ugly, so are your beaches New England!  (FYI: In case you are not a “shower rod” guy, then a .38 Smith and Wesson is the gun of choice for Patriots.)

PUTTING DOWN THE GUN: Green Bay Packer Fans

Week two brought hope when Aaron Rodgers beat up a pathetic Redskins squad at Lambeau Field.  Apparently no one noticed the penalties and lack of protection from their offensive line.  However, this game makes Wisconsin a better place to live this week (Read: Less wife beatings).  It won’t take long to realize the Packer team that is dominated by the San Francisco types of the league is closer to reality.  (Read: Protect yourself ladies.)  Full Disclosure: I grew up in WI – Every Green Bay Packer stereotype is true, especially the wife beating.

PUTTING DOWN THE GUN (BUT KEEPING IT CLOSE BY): Kansas City Chief Fans

First-Half Season Prediction: Andy Reid and Alex Smith will lead the Chiefs to a 6-2 start the first half of the season.  Andy Reid’s name will be thrown around in “coach of the year” conversations as well as “good eater” discussions around the local KC barbeque joints.   Second-Half Season Prediction: Andy Reid and Quarterback-to-be-named (Smith stabbed in St. Louis club) will finish the season 2-6 and “Do Not Serve” signs with Reid’s giant head will be posted around local KC barbeque joints.

YOUTUBE HOW TO KILL YOURSELF: Washington Redskin Fans

The savior, Robert Griffin III, is vulnerable.  The team has no defense and has gotten blown out the first two weeks by good, not great teams.  The fans are already calling for Kirk Cousins?  That is fucking stupid.  The Redskins will very likely pull off the dubious first to worst in the NFC East.  Oh, and everyone outside D.C. still thinks your team name is racist, even Peter King (so everyone).

PULL THE TRIGGER: Jacksonville Jaguar Fans

After two games the Jaguars have scored eleven points and only two points against Andy Reid’s team.  Their starting QB is Blaine Gabbert and backup QB is Chris Henne.  Your past, present, and future is shit.  Oh, and don’t forget, Florida. Kill yourself now.

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2013-14 NFL Preview

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The draft is complete and training camps are open for business.  Are you ready for some football?

NFL coverage is now year-round with off-season free agency followed by the draft followed by spring training followed by awful interviews with Jerry Jones.  Despite the constant coverage, none of this is what makes the NFL great, what really makes it great is PARITY.  Any team (except a select cursed few) could go to the Super Bowl next year.  The Detroit Lions were not a good team last year; however, I could make a convincing case that they finish 10-6, make the playoffs, and go on a Baltimore Ravens like run through the Super Bowl.  IT COULD HAPPEN FOLKS!  (Note: It is unlikely.)

Off seasons are great for the media, but rarely matter.  The “big” free agency amount to very little except for the Dallas Cowboys and New York Jets, two franchises set on digging themselves into a fiscal hole deeper each season.  Usually, it’s the under-the-radar moves such as drafting Russell Wilson or not signing an aging free agent move that grades well.  Of course, no one knows this until week 4 of the season, anything prior is pure speculation.  So let’s join the speculation party and offer our NFL predictions and potential “lock-of-the-week” teams to finish at the top and bottom of their respective conferences.

The AFC Top 5

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New England Patriots

The Patriots seem destined to be upper middle-class the rest of their lives.  They have money, but not at fuck-you Richard Branson levels; a lock for the playoffs, but probably short of the Super Bowl, again.  OH, and don’t forget: TEEEEBOOOOOOW!

Houston Texans

No team needs an X-Factor more than the Texans.  If there was ever a time one “Devin Hestor/Desmond Howard” away from being elite it’s Houston.  Either they find someone or Andre Johnson needs to play the role of franchise savior and begin shattering records.

Denver Broncos

I would expect most to make the Broncos favorites heading into this year.  They finished strong before a poor playoff showing.  This is their chance.  The window is NOW.

Cincinnati Bengals

They are young and have a good mix of talent playing both sides of the ball.  Plus: Cool helmets and bad ass uniforms.  Who doesn’t root for the Bengals when it’s a neutral game?

Pittsburgh Steelers

Last year was a down year for the Steelers.  In the past that has signaled a Super Bowl run.  Do they have another one in them?  If so, this could be their last hurrah.

 

AFC Bottom 5

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Buffalo Bills

When you draft a quarterback that most likely would have been still available in the third round you must be the Buffalo Bills.  There is nothing more to say.

Cleveland Browns

This is a jinxed organization in a jinxed city with no solution at the quarterback position (note: If you tell me their QB position is jinxed, I will not disagree with you.)

Jacksonville Jaguars

I mean really, just call Tim Tebow and call it a day.  The Jaguars are horrible.

Oakland Raiders

Always sad when a once strong team falls and the Raiders were once VERY strong.

New York Jets

Fans were hurt in 2012.  Guess what?  2013 is going to really hurt.

 

The NFC Top 5

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Washington Redskins

RGIII comes back and wins the MVP.  Why?  After his injury, secretly we all want a Hollywood ending.

San Francisco 49ers

There is a chance this team wins 14+ games.  I don’t like Jim Harbough or most of the team he has assembled, but there is no denying they are REALLY good.

Seattle Seahawks

A volatile team could win it all or not make the playoffs.  Sure, this applies to just about any NFL team, but more so for a team relying on so much athleticism from a handful of players.

Atlanta Falcons

I honestly don’t know what to do with this team.

Dallas Cowboys*

Eventually they have to win, right?

* Note that I am selecting Dallas over both the Green Bay Packers and New York Giants.  I expect both to regress back to 9-7 which still may get them into the playoffs, but not in my top 5.

 

NFC Bottom 5

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Philadelphia Eagles

Eagle fans can be in denial all they want, but this is a rebuild project.  It will take approximately two years at which time everyone will realize this is NEVER going to work.

Carolina Panthers

Cam Newton alone isn’t going to put the Panthers in the playoffs.  It’s impossible I tell you.

Arizona Cardinals

It wasn’t that long ago they were in the Super Bowl.  Seems like FOREVER!

Detroit Lions

Because, well, Detroit.

Chicago Bears

Because, well, Jay Cutler

 

David S. Grant is an author of several books, rock columnist, travel writer, and NBA blogger. Follow his writing at pulpscribbler.com and Twitter @david_s_grant