Most NFL rankings pay attention to the top half of the league. Here we don’t discriminate. This week a look at five teams that have no hope, very little hope, or have already killed the bottle.
SHOWER ROD SHOPPING: New England Patriot Fans
Patriot nation is a miserable place. No region has dominated major sports the past fifteen years than New England, their football team is 2-0, and yet, they are still not happy. The Patriot brass continues to surround Tom Brady with shit and you know what, they continue to win. So what if it’s ugly, so are your beaches New England! (FYI: In case you are not a “shower rod” guy, then a .38 Smith and Wesson is the gun of choice for Patriots.)
PUTTING DOWN THE GUN: Green Bay Packer Fans
Week two brought hope when Aaron Rodgers beat up a pathetic Redskins squad at Lambeau Field. Apparently no one noticed the penalties and lack of protection from their offensive line. However, this game makes Wisconsin a better place to live this week (Read: Less wife beatings). It won’t take long to realize the Packer team that is dominated by the San Francisco types of the league is closer to reality. (Read: Protect yourself ladies.) Full Disclosure: I grew up in WI – Every Green Bay Packer stereotype is true, especially the wife beating.
PUTTING DOWN THE GUN (BUT KEEPING IT CLOSE BY): Kansas City Chief Fans
First-Half Season Prediction: Andy Reid and Alex Smith will lead the Chiefs to a 6-2 start the first half of the season. Andy Reid’s name will be thrown around in “coach of the year” conversations as well as “good eater” discussions around the local KC barbeque joints. Second-Half Season Prediction: Andy Reid and Quarterback-to-be-named (Smith stabbed in St. Louis club) will finish the season 2-6 and “Do Not Serve” signs with Reid’s giant head will be posted around local KC barbeque joints.
YOUTUBE HOW TO KILL YOURSELF: Washington Redskin Fans
The savior, Robert Griffin III, is vulnerable. The team has no defense and has gotten blown out the first two weeks by good, not great teams. The fans are already calling for Kirk Cousins? That is fucking stupid. The Redskins will very likely pull off the dubious first to worst in the NFC East. Oh, and everyone outside D.C. still thinks your team name is racist, even Peter King (so everyone).
PULL THE TRIGGER: Jacksonville Jaguar Fans
After two games the Jaguars have scored eleven points and only two points against Andy Reid’s team. Their starting QB is Blaine Gabbert and backup QB is Chris Henne. Your past, present, and future is shit. Oh, and don’t forget, Florida. Kill yourself now.