Category Archives: Rockstar Ramblings

Twas The Night Before…

Originally posted as part of the Rockstar Ramblings at MetalUnderground.com.

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The date: December 24, 1988
Location: Southern California

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the rock world
Not a guitar was sounding, not even a chord.
The bandanas were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that even more bandanas soon would be there.

The groupies were passed out, all snug in their beds,
With visions of DIO, dancing in their heads.
And Axl wearing his boxers, and Slash in his cap,
Had just settled their lawsuits, shot up, and decided to nap.

When out on the tour bus there arose such a clatter,
Bret Michaels sprang from his bed of whores to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
There he saw one of his whores, running away with his cash.

Ozzy was barking at the moon at the new-fallen snow
Nearby, Tommy Lee had just run out of blow.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
A presence of Santa, with drugs coming out his ears.

From the commotion it was clear that this Santa was not quick,
There was a moment it appeared he might get sick.
More rapid than eagles, his friends, they all came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Jack! Now Jim Beam! Now Jose where are thee I call!
On, Budweiser! On, Guinness! On PBR and oh, he almost fell!
Drinking on top of the porch! Spilling on top of the wall!
Now he drinks them down! Down all the way! Down with all!”

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The sound of a drunk Santa in a very soiled suit.
As I drew in my head, my face almost caved,
When down the chimney it wasn’t St Nick, but Diamond Dave.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with cigarette ash and soot.
A sack of presents and case of beer he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, when he pulled out the flask of Jack.

His eyes-how they were bloodshot! his beer breath how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his bleeding nose like a cherry!
One of my presents, Cocaine in a bowl.
Dave immediately tried some, leaving some on his nose.

The stump of a hash-pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad smile and ripped abs for a belly,
Strange I would put that, instead of a bowlful of jelly!

He spoke not a word, smiling a lot while at work,
And filled all the bandanas, and also some sleeveless shirts.
A pinch more coke, laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, a smile, and up the chimney he rose!

He finished the eight ball, then slipped and slid off the roof,
Looks like no 1989 tour, only a lawsuit.
But then I heard him laugh, as he rose up into sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”


Low Budget Rock Videos Rule!

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Unless you make hip hop videos, the days of big budget videos are pretty much gone. This week a couple rock bands release effective videos on a budget. Hip hop videos do rule though: lots of money, cars and women…

UK Rockers, The Burning Crows, have released a video for their single, “Shine.” The single is from an album that should be in the running for Album Title Of The Year: ‘Murder At The Gin House.’ The video is a straight forward, limited cash flow budget rock video. Was this shot in the basement of The Gin House? Why is it called The Gin House? Going out on a limb here and assuming this band gets laid, a lot! Also, assuming they drink a lot of gin…

Kickin Valentina have just released a video for “Wrong Way.” The single is from their second album titled ‘Super Atomic.’ Initial impression is that these are bad men. This band wears their Lemmy influence on their sleeveless tees. Another low budget, but effective video. You watch this video and you either want to hear more, or not and I guess that’s the point. Regardless, you will probably consider putting together your own Motorhead influenced band because everyone should try this at home…

Check out the videos and more at MetalUnderground.com


Rockstar Ramblings: Cruel Intentions

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This week new videos from Tom Keifer (Cinderella), Lizzy DeVine (Vains Of Jenna) returns and some good ole boys play an AC/DC classic for our pleasure.

Tom Keifer has released a music video for “It’s Not Enough”, the fourth his debut solo album, ‘The Way Life Goes.’ Simple, yet cool rock and roll – Keifer makes it look natural and easy. It’s also nice to see he still rocks the scarves…

Vains Of Jenna front man Lizzy DeVine has returned with his new band, The Cruel Intentions. The new group has released a video for “Borderline Crazy.” First off, I am always a big fan of songs three minutes or less. Lots of leather, bandanas and so much pale skin. This may be the only band that postpones shows due to the sun…

The Glorious Sons have released a video for “Lightning”, the latest single from their Juno nominated album ‘The Union.’ It appears very cold wherever they are shooting this video. That’s why the missing hat half-way through is such a mystery to me…

So this is from Finland, maybe you have already seen it, maybe not. It’s a unique take on an AC/DC classic. Let’s be clear, after making this video these are guys are never getting laid again, right? Or is it the opposite? I get very confused on the rules when it comes to non-porn viral videos…

Check out the videos and more at MetalUnderground.com


VInce Neil’s Blue Cup

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Vince Neil has once again become a YouTube sensation or punch line depending on your viewpoint. This week Neil sang the National Anthem at a Las Vegas Outlaws inaugural football game. (Special guest surprise at 7:35…)0:10 Less than 100 people there for introductions, just saying.
0:35 I expected more from Las Vegas, I mean, these are strippers, right?
1:02 Smoke machine and very bored camera man.
1:20 Same strippers or new ones on the back of the motorcycles? This is very confusing.
2:23 Back flips, this is definitely a case of let’s throw a lot of shit at the wall and see what sticks. Complete chaos…
2:32 Vince Neil enters the arena, blue cup in hand. Oh no…
3:54 Vince is introduced last; thankfully he puts down his blue cup before running through the chaos.
3:56 Out of breath…
4:19 Brief seizure from camera work.
4:21 I’m back…
5:18 “Here We Go…” I’m half expecting Vince to sing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game…” Actually, I’m really hoping…
5:20 Nope, he’s singing the National Anthem
6:18 Okay, it’s over. Quick thoughts: That was awful, but most of us know it could have been worse. Vince could have REALLY tried to sing this song. Most Shocking: He didn’t do the Vince Neil patented “Let the audience fill in every other word.”
6:19 Still, thinking blue cup was a factor…
7:04 Vince almost fumbles the ball.
7:35 Is that? NOOOO! Fucking Carrot Top with a big coin for the flip.
(Note video jumps around after this from strippers to football plays back to strippers.)
11:36 The strippers have kicked up their moves, lots of grinding. Could be naked by the end of the game, fingers crossed.
12:19 I’m not exactly sure what is about to happen, but I’m describing it as “Ass Jazz.”
13:10 I can’t take my eyes off this train wreck. Holy shit, whoever said “You know what, fuck rehearsal” should lose their job.
14:00 Play me some Ass Jazz please!
14:30 Phenomenal dance moves!
15:00 Answer: 14 Beers
15:01 Question: How many beers would it take to stay until the end of this event?
15:02 Just kidding, this is way better than any comedy show playing on The Strip right now in Vegas…

Check out the video and more at MetalUnderground.com


The A.J. Pero Tribute

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A.J. Pero (Twisted Sister, Adrenaline Mob) passed away this week. Pero was part of the “hey day” of Twisted Sister. Today, the Rockstar Ramblings pays a brief tribute to Pero in the form of a couple Twisted Sister videos from the classic ‘Stay Hungry’ album.

In 1984 Twisted Sister shocked the heavy metal world, releasing “Stay Hungry,” their contribution to an era that continues to define a decade. The album was big on rebellion and just plain rock and roll. This was also the first cassette tape I ever bought.

“We’re Not Gonna Take It” was the ultimate rebellion song; bonus for Pero’s drums only playing during the chorus near the end.

The video for “The Price” featured Pero having fun with large drumsticks. This was their “ballad” so it wasn’t quite as fun as their other videos or songs. Actually, the best part of this video is Pero.

“I Wanna Rock” is still one of the stronger first song/side two tracks of all time. Like the video for “We’re Not Gonna Take It” the video was high on comedy and rebellious behavior. A boy (around thirteen) is confronted by teacher/parent who doesn’t like Twisted Sister music. Wait long enough and the band will break through a door and scream their lyrics. They were angry and in your face. Pero and Twisted Sister were (and will always will be) rock and roll!

Read more and check out the videos at MetalUnderground.com


Hot For Teacher

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Do you like big, scary tits and David Lee Roth era Van Halen? If yes, well then, I’ve got a video for you.

A new cover of the Van Halen hit “Hot For Teacher” pays tribute to the classic song and video. Female author, actress, and model Trisha Paytas steps into David Lee Roth’s shoes in a video parody. The video was filmed in L.A., at John Marshall High School, the same school where Van Halen’s original “Hot For Teacher” video was recorded.

David Lee Roth is more than just parodied; he has an intro for the video. Apparently there was one rule and that was “just one take!” A little disappointed he didn’t finish with a back flip.

It doesn’t take long to see where this video is headed – part parody, part entertainment, part nightmare! The green “Bengal print” spandex really goes through a test in this one. Why aren’t the other girls more involved? Paytas and her giant breasts are total camera hogs. Also, the casting for the teacher could have been better, maybe someone more famous? I’m guessing Roth said no.

There is something not welcoming about those giant boobs, I’ve never seen that before. Pretty sure I’m not sleeping tonight.

The ending, with her mom showing disappointment is so unbelievable and not convincing. Obviously this girl fucks someone new (and probably much older) on a daily basis.

Check out the video and more at MetalUnderground.com


The Darkness Returns

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If you like graphic novels, blood and snappy dialogue you are in for a treat. If you like all three and also really like feet you are Quentin Tarantino. Here’s the new video “Barbarian” from The Darkness.

Lead singer Justin Hawkins says this song contains “not one but two dramatic monologues, a guitar solo that has been declared ‘irresponsible,’ a riff that weakens lady knees and a chorus that makes grown men shit directly into their pants.” You have been warned.

The video starts off looking like a Hagar the Horrible comic strip. Hagar the Horrible was never where I first went to on the funnies page, but usually worth a glance.

The band is shirtless in the rain which means they might be near a club in South Beach, Miami. This scene is followed by splattering blood and then grocery cart races.

The lyrics are “Great Dane with the sword” so naturally they put a Great Dane with a sword. (Thank you for this.) I mentioned Tarantino above, but this video is very much something he would enjoy (Note: Pretty sure he would add racist humor and bad wigs).

For the lyrics “Corpses in the snow…” look in the background, is that Frosty the Snowman back there? Frosty, come back!

At 2:47 in this video, the band is definitely taking graphic design liberties with the depiction of their bodies.

Hey, did the drummer just get shot in the head? I see, they all got murdered while someone nearby sketched the whole incident, or maybe they were murdered by the graphic artist.

Thank you whoever you are for telling this story, I needed a good laugh…

Check out the video and more at MetalUnderground.com