Category Archives: Daddy Loves Me

Parenting Tips 101: Don’t Watch Law & Order SVU Then Take Your Kid To a Waterpark

Welcome to parenting tips 101. Don’t expect many of these, I don’t really have a lot of tips in this area.

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This past weekend I was busy doing God knows what and had the television on for background sound. Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was on because it’s always on. (Note: that’s fact.) Anyway, you can’t help but eavesdrop on the show. The episodes that day each involved a toddler being stolen from a public place. One second they are there the next a kid-toucher is running with them down the street toward the subway. These guys are pros and (according to the show) know where every camera is so if you lose your kid good luck! So…the next day I found myself at a big water park with lots of people. I wouldn’t let a second go with my eyes off my kid, fearing he was going to be snatched by a kid-toucher and taken to a dungeon… I consider myself lucky there was no incident; however, and this is going to be hard to believe…there was a bar in the middle of the park with three televisions and one had on Law & Order SVU – I’m not joking folks! That’s not acceptable regardless of how much you like Ice-T. Is Ice-T hyphenated? By the way, is kid-toucher hyphenated? Obviously I have fears of both… In summary: If you are a parent don’t watch this show, especially if you are going to a water park the next day. This has been parenting tips 101…

 

 


5 Reasons Balloons Suck

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Being a parent is life changing. You are proud, have to change diapers, blah blah blah… It also means you have to go to a lot of birthday parties because all kids now have a birthday party each year. They invite every kid from their class, playground, neighbors, etc… Parents feel guilty if they don’t have some type of party or get together. These parties offer the children a chance to socialize (toddlers don’t do this well), sugar and often bad pizza. They also offer balloons. Most parties give the children (in addition to a “goodie” bag) a balloon to take home (hey, please take our crap – we don’t want it!). I don’t know who started this, but it must be a truly awful person. Here are 5 reasons why the birthday party balloon sucks…

5. 50 Percent are Immediately Lost

Kids want to hold their balloons. Kids are unable to hold anything for more than 20 seconds, resulting in the balloon heading quickly into the city skyline. Tears follow with “my balloon!” screams. A typical balloon meltdown lasts twenty minutes with promises of more balloons, ice cream and a new car.

4. Balloons Don’t Travel Well

If you have a car good luck trying to merge, see who is behind you or check your blind spot because there’s a good chance a helium filled mass is blocking your vision. Might as well just lodge it under the brake pedal. if you are walking home in a stroller expect a minimum of 35 time the balloon hits you in the head and another 50 times it will annoy other pedestrians. Balloons are intrusive of our space. I say they are worse than mosquitoes.

3. You Are Home, Now What?

There is no good place to put a balloon. Wherever you put it, it will be in the way. Also, your kid will want to play with it and immediately let go and you will have to jump up to get it down from the ceiling. This can last for hours.

2. Balloons Move Around

Want to have the shit scared out of you? Get up for a drink of water the night after your kid brought home a balloon. The helium decreases and the balloon moves around your dwelling, always finding a spot right where you least expect it. Numerous times I’ve thrown haymakers at a harmless balloon in the dark

1.Balloons Die

What’s worse than having your child immediately lose a balloon? Let them grown attached to it for four days and then wake up one morning to see their balloon is dead. This meltdown last 60 minutes on average. The only solution is a another balloon. Repeat. Big Balloon makes their money off this form of torture.

Seriously, let’s stop with the balloons please!


Daddy Loves Me: The Easter Egg Hunt

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I make a lot of mistakes, sometimes on a hourly basis and I may have a few regrets. However, what happened today is not one of them. First, let’s set the stage: An Easter party for toddlers, ages 1-5, with an Easter Bunny, games and an egg hunt. My son got a picture with the Easter Bunny, won some prizes playing games (everyone is a winner) and was having a good time. Then, it was time for the Easter egg hunt. Essentially, there are 30 kids released into a small area covered by balloons. Under those balloons are plastic eggs containing a piece of candy. The problem is that the age groups are not divided. The 5 year old kids are in with the 2 year old kids. My son is 2. At time of release I let my son go, but it wasn’t long (2 seconds) before I realized he was going to get trampled by the older kids…so I went in with him. The older kids were diving around and knocking all the little ones over. My son had no chance, but I wasn’t going to let him leave with an empty bag. I spotted a pink egg and grabbed it – at the same time a little girl (probably 3) also grabbed it…I gave it up to the girl. Next, I spotted a green egg. I went to grab it, but at the same time a 5 year-old asshole dove for it. Note that the 5 year old had a full bag of eggs (approximately 25 eggs) while my son still had an empty bag. I hip checked the 5 year-old asshole and he went down, head first. Still he was quick and we both grabbed for the egg at the same time. I ripped it out of his hand and dropped it in my son’s bag. The 5 year old was left on the ground, I almost spit on him. Nope, no regrets here. My son got his egg and I got the orange flavored Starburst. Easter egg hunts are the worst!


The Passport Blues (and Number Twos)

Today the family went to the post office to get my son a passport. The process is numbing to say the least. Here’s how you figure out how long you have to wait: Take the number of people in front of you and multiply that by 45 minutes! Needless to say, even though we were early we had a long wait ahead of us. Halfway through my son came up to me and yelled his favorite four letter word – P.O.O.P! No problem, right? Wrong. There are no bathrooms in the post office and it was 12 degrees outside so we weren’t going out to find a place.

Here is what I learned:

1. When you tell a child “Okay, so this is how this is going to happen” they know something crazy is about to go down and they will listen.

2. You don’t have to ask for space, once people realize what is about to happen, they will scatter like cockroaches.

3. Just keep your head down, after all, it’s not like you’re going to stop even if someone asks you to.

4. Just look confident – like you’ve been there a million times before. Look them right in the eyes when you walk up to the garbage can and dispose of the goods.


Daddy Loves Me: Playground Swings vs. Bathroom Urinal Etiquette

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Last week I went to the playground with my wife and son.  First stop is always the swings, the boy loves the swings!  At this particular playground there were three swings with a boy swinging from the one on the far left.  I decided to place my son in the swing on the far right, leaving the center swing open.  I was applying the same etiquette reserved for urinals in the restroom.

It didn’t take long to learn that this was not a good idea.  The proper swing etiquette is to actually put the children next to each other so they can see each other and possibly socialize.  Also, you don’t have to worry about the splash factor with swings. 

Lesson learned: Urinals and swings have very little in common.


Daddy Loves Me: The Walking Wings

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Children. They roll and then they crawl. Eventually, they need to walk. To assist our boy we got sit-down walkers with wheels and push toy walkers. This wasn’t enough – we also needed the wings. Walking Wings: Straps for lazy parents to “walk along with” versus just holding hands.

Initially they were not on the radar, but when a fellow “Mommy” was giving them away because she no longer needed them (“Oh my god, they were a god send, absolutely amazing…”) we had to have them. No charge. Just pick them up at her office in SoHo.

I arrived on Greene Street or something like that; it was deep SoHo, not tourist SoHo. The address I was given (#55) was not on a building; however there was a 53 and 57 so… The building was gutted – complete destruction. As I entered a security guard approached. I gave him the Mommy’s name and said the words “walking wings”; he stared at me for a minute, and then led me across the site to a freight elevator in the corner.

Due to the construction, the building was a dump. The elevator took us up to the fourth level. The doors opened to an expansive production area. Everything was brand new and there were lots of glass walls, plush sofas, and flat screens on the walls. I had arrived at either a high-end ad agency, movie Entertainment Company, or a porn empire.

A man sees me wandering in and approaches, asking what I want. I explain I am supposed to pick up “walking wings.” The confusion these simple two words bring is astonishing. Finally, the man went back to one of the huge glass door offices. Several men were surrounding a woman behind a desk. This woman was the Mommy – she got up – had everyone “take 5” and brought me a brown bag. I look inside the bag and saw that it contained one pair of walking wings. I walked out, down the freight elevator. I nodded to the security guard on the way out (showed him the bag containing the walking wings). Sometimes the only way to describe a situation is Only in New York.

So, that’s the Walking Wings Story. We never used the wings (it’s easier to just hold the hands) and my one takeaway is that office space definitely had something to do with a porn empire.


Daddy Loves Me Road Trip: Stakey’s Pumpkin Farm

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Where are you taking your kid pumpkin picking?  You need to have a place or you are a bad parent.  If you live in New York, no, going to the local deli in the village and paying $15 for a small urban pumpkin doesn’t count.  YOU NEED the real deal.  YOU NEED to go to Long Island and take a pumpkin off the vine.  YOU NEED to go to Stakey’s Pumpkin Farm in Long Island.

Why Stakey’s over the five thousand other choices in the area?  For one, they are dog friendly, so if you have 1.5 children (high maintenance dog equals at least .5) then this is very important.  Second, you get to take the pumpkins off the vine in the field.  It is a very large field.  It’s definitely the FULL pumpkin experience.  Finally, and most important, they have FARM DONUTS!  Have you ever had fresh, warm farm donuts?  They are the best.  Also, they only sell them in 6-packs because there is no way anyone is not eating at least six at a time.

Wheel barrows are provided to load the pumpkins.  This is very tricky to maneuver both a wheel barrow and dog, but you will manage.  We each picked out a pumpkin, most notably our wiener dog picked out a very long one, go figure.  There are also lots of photo ops and picnic tables with stands selling snacks nearby.  Did I mention the donuts?  They are the best…