5 Reasons Balloons Suck


Being a parent is life changing. You are proud, have to change diapers, blah blah blah… It also means you have to go to a lot of birthday parties because all kids now have a birthday party each year. They invite every kid from their class, playground, neighbors, etc… Parents feel guilty if they don’t have some type of party or get together. These parties offer the children a chance to socialize (toddlers don’t do this well), sugar and often bad pizza. They also offer balloons. Most parties give the children (in addition to a “goodie” bag) a balloon to take home (hey, please take our crap – we don’t want it!). I don’t know who started this, but it must be a truly awful person. Here are 5 reasons why the birthday party balloon sucks…

5. 50 Percent are Immediately Lost

Kids want to hold their balloons. Kids are unable to hold anything for more than 20 seconds, resulting in the balloon heading quickly into the city skyline. Tears follow with “my balloon!” screams. A typical balloon meltdown lasts twenty minutes with promises of more balloons, ice cream and a new car.

4. Balloons Don’t Travel Well

If you have a car good luck trying to merge, see who is behind you or check your blind spot because there’s a good chance a helium filled mass is blocking your vision. Might as well just lodge it under the brake pedal. if you are walking home in a stroller expect a minimum of 35 time the balloon hits you in the head and another 50 times it will annoy other pedestrians. Balloons are intrusive of our space. I say they are worse than mosquitoes.

3. You Are Home, Now What?

There is no good place to put a balloon. Wherever you put it, it will be in the way. Also, your kid will want to play with it and immediately let go and you will have to jump up to get it down from the ceiling. This can last for hours.

2. Balloons Move Around

Want to have the shit scared out of you? Get up for a drink of water the night after your kid brought home a balloon. The helium decreases and the balloon moves around your dwelling, always finding a spot right where you least expect it. Numerous times I’ve thrown haymakers at a harmless balloon in the dark

1.Balloons Die

What’s worse than having your child immediately lose a balloon? Let them grown attached to it for four days and then wake up one morning to see their balloon is dead. This meltdown last 60 minutes on average. The only solution is a another balloon. Repeat. Big Balloon makes their money off this form of torture.

Seriously, let’s stop with the balloons please!


About Pulp Scribbler

The Writing of David S. Grant View all posts by Pulp Scribbler

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